George Carlin Quotes About Funny
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I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
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Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car."
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When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
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Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
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There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.
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Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
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They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them!
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Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.
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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
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Geologists claim that although the world is running out of oil, there is still a 200-hundred-year supply of brake fluid.
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I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
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How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.
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I find it discouraging - and a bit depressing - when I notice the unequal treatment afforded by the media to UFO believers on the one hand, and on the other, to those who believe in an invisible supreme being who inhabits the sky.
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There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting!
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No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.
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I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to "God" are all answered at about the same 50% rate.
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Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
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A good motto to live by: "Always try not to get killed.
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What was the best thing before sliced bread?
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When something is 'new and improved', which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
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People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.
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Good news for senior citizens: Death is near!
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When people say “clean as a whistle”, they forget that a whistle is full of spit.
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No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
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Always do whatever's next.
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Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?
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Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms?
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What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
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When will all the rhetorical questions end?
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Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
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