George Carlin Quotes
-
Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.
→ -
... the important thing is to, first of all, question everything you read or hear or see or are told. Question it, and try to see the world for what it actually is, as opposed to what someone or some company or some organization or some government is trying to represent it as, or present it as, however they've mislabeled it or dressed it up or told you.
→ -
If you nail a tool shed closed, how do you put the hammer away?
→ -
Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Just to be silly!
→ -
Language always gives you away.
→ -
I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.
→ -
A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does. It doesn't only represent the good things. If you burn the flag, you're burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad things the country has done. it's only a symbol. It's only a piece of cloth.
→ -
One of the effects it [cocaine] had on my personality - my moods, my behaviors - was that it inhibited me a lot. It kind of took possibilities out of my world, and made the focus of things very narrow.
→ -
How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen; that we passed chickens in goodness? Name six ways we're better than chickens. See, nobody can do it! You know why? 'Cause chickens are decent people.
→ -
Grudges are a waste of perfect happiness. Laugh..apologiz e..let go of what you can't change.
→ -
All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another
→ -
Obviously, there are people who constrict themselves and build walls around themselves, whether it's from a moral standpoint or a patriotic standpoint, or just plain old conformity, and who therefore live in those little prisons, and when things breach those walls, it's shocking for them.
→ -
My money buys me the freedom not to be a member of the corporate structure. And I certainly don't feel guilty or hypocritical about that. The way our economy is set up, if you don't want to be a corporate moron and you don't want to be enfeebled in the streets, you must earn enough to know that you'll never have to go to them for money.
→ -
Have you ever noticed that the only metaphor we have in our public discourse for solving problems is to declare war on it? We have the war on crime, the war on cancer, the war on drugs. But did you ever notice that we have no war on homelessness? You know why? Because there's no money in that problem. No money to be made off of the homeless. If you can find a solution to homelessness where the corporations and politicians can make a few million dollars each, you will see the streets of America begin to clear up pretty damn quick!
→ -
I had run away from home three times. I had been kicked out of three different schools under different circumstances. I was kicked out of everything that I didn't quit. Kicked out of schools. Kicked out of summer camp, the Boy Scouts, the altar boys, the choir, and something else that I can't think of, that I'm proud of. Anyway, that was my pattern. I just began to invent myself early in life, and went out and did something about it.
→ -
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
→ -
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
→ -
When I'm not actually doing my work, I'm planning it or thinking about it or reading things that on some level are transformed into performance fantasies. I have no active interests.
→ -
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
→ -
The writing is what gives me the joy, especially editing myself for the page, and getting something ready to show to the editors, and then to have a first draft and get it back and work to fix it, I love reworking, I love editing, love love love revision, revision, revision, revision.
→ -
The person who is most a part of me is the performer, is the standup, the guy who says, "Hey look at me, listen to this!" I do that because that's what I do, I love doing it.
→ -
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
→ -
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
→ -
There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who cannot.
→ -
The straightest line between a straight distance is two points.
→ -
Censorship that comes from the outside assumes about people an inability to make reasoned choices.
→ -
Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car."
→ -
I believe myself to be a worthwhile and inventive performer in my own right. But I'm not in a league with Lenny [Bruce], certainly not in terms of social commentary.
→ -
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
→ -
I went to my old school, where all the kids I'd been with for eight years were about to graduate. But the sisters wanted me to repeat the whole term; so I went to the principal and pleaded with her to allow me to graduate with my class. She finally agreed on the condition that I write the graduation play. It was called How Do You Spend Your Leisure Time?Catchy title, huh?
→
Related Authors
-
Kelly Carlin-McCall Actress -
Lenny Bruce Comedian -
Louis C. K. Comedian -
Ringo Starr Musician -
Steven Wright Comedian -
Lewis Black Comedian -
Bill Hicks Comedian -
Bill Cosby Comedian -
Rodney Dangerfield Comedian -
Chris Rock Comedian -
Bill Maher Comedian -
Dave Chappelle Comedian -
Alex Winter Actor -
Johnny Carson Host -
Larry the Cable Guy Comedian -
Sam Kinison Comedian -
Steve Martin Actor -
Bill Burr Comedian -
Richard Pryor Comedian -
Mitch Hedberg Comedian