Rodney Dangerfield Quotes About Funny
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My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.
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Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.
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I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.
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I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.
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I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."
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My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
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I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
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Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
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My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!
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One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!
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If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
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What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!
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I was a poster child... for birth control!
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
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I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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