Groucho Marx Quotes
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I can see you in the kitchen bending over a hot stove, and I can't see the stove
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I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
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Ever since they found out that Lassie was a boy, the public has believed the worst about Hollywood
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Room service? Send up a larger room.
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I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
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Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
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Celebrate the cracks, because that's how the light comes in.
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Growing old is something you do if you're lucky.
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I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.
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Don’t ever underestimate the importance of money. I know it’s often been said that money won’t make you happy and this is undeniably true, but everything else being equal, it’s a lovely thing to have around the house.
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I'd like to meet the person who invented sex and see what they're working on now.
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Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.
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No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
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I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book . . . The recipes were to be the routine ones: how to make dry toast, instant coffee, hearts of lettuce and brownies. But as an added attraction, at no extra charge, my idea was to put a fried egg on the cover. I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right.
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When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said, "I was just whispering in her mouth"
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Given the choice between a woman and a cigar, I will always choose the cigar.
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Come on in girls, and leave all hope behind.
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Do they allow tipping on the boat? - Yes, sir. Have you got two fives? - Oh, yes, sir. Then you won't need the ten cents I was going to give you.
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Hail, hail Freedonia, land of the free!
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I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
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If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
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If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.
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Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
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I was so long writing my review that I never got around to reading the book.
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Well, that covers a lot of ground. Say, you cover a lot of ground yourself. You better beat it - I hear they're going to tear you down and put up an office building where you're standing. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff. You know, you haven't stopped talking since I came here? You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.
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Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water.
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It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa
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The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.
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[Mrs. Teasdale]: He's had a change of heart. [Groucho]: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.
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Since my daughter is only half-Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees?
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