Henny Youngman Quotes About Funny
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My wife has a black belt in shopping.
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I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
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My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.
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The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"
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She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, "Tut, Tut!"
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A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"
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The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"
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Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
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I asked a Jewish man, "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said, "Yes", and walked away.
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When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.
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I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.
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I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"
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Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!"
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My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
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My wife lost all her credit cards, but I'm not going to report it. Whoever found them spends less than she does!
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She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"
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Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?
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My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"
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During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.
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I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.
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All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.
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My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!
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There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
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The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do" asks the patient. The doctor says "I'm mad at my neighbor!".
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Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?
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We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
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My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough'
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My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick".
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Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.
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The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"
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