Ambrose Bierce Quotes About Food
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Edible, adj.: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.
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TRICHINOSIS, n. The pig's reply to proponents of porcophagy.
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Glutton- A person who escapes the evils of moderation by committing dyspepsia.
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Empty wine bottles have a bad opinion of women.
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OYSTER, n. A slimy, gobby shellfish which civilization gives men the hardihood to eat without removing its entrails! The shells are sometimes given to the poor.
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Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.
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EAT, v.i. To perform successively (and successfully) the functions of mastication, humectation, and deglutition. 'I was in the drawing-room, enjoying my dinner,' said Brillat-Savarin, beginning an anecdote. 'What!' interrupted Rochebriant; 'eating dinner in a drawing-room?' 'I must beg you to observe, monsieur,' explained the great gastronome, 'that I did not say I was eating my dinner, but enjoying it. I had dined an hour before.'
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SATIETY, n. The feeling that one has for the plate after he has eaten its contents, madam.
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RAREBIT n. A Welsh rabbit, in the speech of the humorless, who point out that it is not a rabbit. To whom it may be solemnly explained that the comestible known as toad-in-a-hole is really not a toad, and that riz-de-veau à la financière is not the smile of a calf prepared after the recipe of a she banker.
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DEJEUNER, n. The breakfast of an American who has been in Paris. Variously pronounced.
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HASH: There is no definition for this word - nobody knows what hash is.
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Feast, n. A festival. A religious celebration usually signalized by gluttony and drunkenness, frequently in honor of some holy person distinguished for abstemiousness.
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A chop is a piece of leather skillfully attached to a bone and administered to the patients at restaurants.
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EUCHARIST, n. A sacred feast of the religious sect of Theophagi. A dispute once unhappily arose among the members of this sect as to what it was that they ate. In this controversy some five hundred thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled.
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FROG, n. A reptile with edible legs
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Bacchus, n.: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.
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Rum, n. Generically, fiery liquors that produce madness in total abstainers.
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PORTUGUESE, n.pl. A species of geese indigenous to Portugal. They are mostly without feathers and imperfectly edible, even when stuffed with garlic.
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TABLE D'HOTE, n. A caterer's thrifty concession to the universal passion for irresponsibility.
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HOSPITALITY, n. The virtue which induces us to feed and lodge certain persons who are not in need of food and lodging.
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TEETOTALER, n. One who abstains from strong drink, sometimes totally, sometimes tolerably totally.
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PIE, n. An advance agent of the reaper whose name is Indigestion.
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WHEAT, n. A cereal from which a tolerably good whisky can be made; . . . also for bread. The French are said to eat more bread "per capita" of population than any other people, which is natural, for only they know how to make the stuff palatable.
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Indigestion: A disease which the patient and his friends frequently mistake for deep religious conviction and concern for the salvation of mankind. As the simple Red Man of the Western Wild put it, with, it must be confessed, a certain force: 'Plenty well, no pray; big belly ache, heap God.'
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CRAYFISH, n. A small crustacean very much resembling the lobster, but less indigestible.
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MANNA, n. A food miraculously given to the Israelites in the wilderness. When it was no longer supplied to them they settled down and tilled the soil, fertilizing it, as a rule, with the bodies of the original occupants.
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Rhubarb: essence of stomach ache.
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Deliberation, n.: The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on.
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Cabbage: a familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.
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PIG, n. An animal ("Porcus omnivorus") closely allied to the human race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior in scope, for it sticks at pig.
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