Ambrose Bierce Quotes About Funny
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PIANO, n. A parlor utensil for subduing the impenitent visitor. It is operated by depressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the audience.
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AUSTRALIA, n. A country lying in the South Sea, whose industrial and commercial development has been unspeakably retarded by an unfortunate dispute among geographers as to whether it is a continent or an island.
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The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.
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Happiness: an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.
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NEIGHBOR, n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how to make us disobedient.
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Architect. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money.
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Pray: To ask the laws of the universe to be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
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Take not God's name in vain; select a time when it will have effect.
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What is a democrat? One who believes that the republicans have ruined the country. What is a republican? One who believes that the democrats would ruin the country.
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Litigant. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones.
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The covers of this book are too far apart.
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You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute.
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I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers. What I said was that all saloonkeepers are Democrats.
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In each human heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass and a nightingale. Diversity of character is due to their unequal activity.
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Truth - An ingenious compound of desirability and appearance.
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WITCH, n. (1) Any ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked league with the devil. (2) A beautiful and attractive young woman, in wickedness a league beyond the devil.
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Laziness. Unwarranted repose of manner in a person of low degree.
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Dentist: a prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, pulls coin out of your pocket.
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War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.
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In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
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Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others.
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General," said the commander of the delinquent brigade, "I am persuaded that any further display of valor by my troops will bring them into collision with the enemy.
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Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.
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Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.
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Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.
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Abscond - to move in a mysterious way, commonly with the property of another.
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A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced.
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