Steven Wright Quotes About Funny
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
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For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
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There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.
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I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
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I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!
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I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
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Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
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Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
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I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
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The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
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I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
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I was born by Caesarian section . . . but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?
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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
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My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
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One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
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How young can you die of old age?
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My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.
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I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
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