Steven Wright Quotes About Comedy
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There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
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I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
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Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
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How young can you die of old age?
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If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
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I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.
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There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
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To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life.
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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
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If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
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Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
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Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
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I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
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Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
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I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
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It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
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If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
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It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
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I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
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I invented the cordless extension cord.
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When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
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The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.
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Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
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