Jimmy Carr Quotes About Funny
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I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.
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I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'
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My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.
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I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him "They're like buses." He said "What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once." I said "No, they are like buses!"
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It had to be hammered home quite a bit because I didn't see any humour in my life at all.
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When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.
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The 2012 Olympics is going to cost £8 billion which is a lot of money. It'll probably bankrupt London. But you can't put a price on two bronze medals in cycling.
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I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.
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I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.
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A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'
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Throwing acid is wrong... in some people's eyes.
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Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed? Still no superheros.
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If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?
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I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.
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In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.
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I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"
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I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.
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No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.
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My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
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There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?
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I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.
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A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."
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I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.
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Boxers don't have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.
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See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol
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Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.
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Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.
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My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.
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My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.
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British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!
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