Frankie Boyle Quotes
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The average life expectancy rate in some parts of Glasgow is 54. If you've ever been there, you'll realize that that's maybe a bit long.
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For 3 Million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person.
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As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.
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People who think there's no good way to die have obviously never heard the phrase 'Drug-fuelled-sex-heart-attack'.
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Congratulations on passing your test! Your HIV positive.
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That should be the anti-speeding advert. It should be footage of Richard Hammond trying to remember his own wedding day.
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Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!
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They're always going, don't deal with terrorists. Let's deal with them. What's Allah offering you boys, 100 virgins? We'll give you 50 slags.
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Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had a mild stroke.
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The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.
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Congratulations you're 18!... On a list of 20 people I'm going to kill.
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Let me ask you a question. How long is too long to text someone back? My wife still thinks I died in 9/11.
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RyanAir have been getting a hard time because they've launched a £7 flight to New York. Although as always with RyanAir it does land slightly outside of New York. In Dublin.
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Does anyone actually think that Beckham knows he's in America? I think he just follows a football and all he notices is that it occasionally gets warmer.
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Don't you think its quite weird for Prince Harry, getting really stoned and seeing your grans face appearing on your money.
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The only award I've been nominated for is a Scottish BAFTA. A Scottish BAFTA, it's like hearing that the animals have their own Olympics. You hear all this stuff about TV being faked. Of course it's faked. It's all faked. That documentary a couple of weeks ago about tribal warfare among monkeys, that was all filmed in a Yates wine lodge in Dundee. Comic Relief is faked. Everybody in Africa is fine.
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I want to trace my father, could you suggest a good marker pen?
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The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?
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Does anyone find it ironic how a program aimed at old people is called 'Countdown'?
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I like storms. I like thunder and lightning. What I do during a storm is shag my girlfriend and pretend that we're taking part in the conception of the Antichrist.
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We don't live in a shared reality, we each live in a reality of our own, and causing upset is often the price of trying to reach each other. It's always easier to dismiss other people than to go through the awkward and time consuming process of understanding them. We have given 'taking offense' a social status it doesn't deserve: it's not much more than a way of avoiding difficult conversations.
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Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!
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Why is it that it's okay to call a white person "mate" yet it's not okay to call a black guy "primate"?
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Stephen Hawking: Brainier than Kurt Cobain's garage wall.
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The owners of a dog which swallowed a diamond worth £12000 had to wait three days until it re-emerged. With a bit of planning it could have been a nice way to propose.
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When I went to school, sex education was mainly muttered warnings about the janitor.
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Now, the magic of British parks at night, as Bill Oddie presents.. Gaywatch.
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I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.
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Scientists have just built the world's biggest supercollider, and they're doing experiments to see what makes up protons. I hope that if the experiment's successful, the whole of our reality will dissolve, and a big sign will up come that says: Level Two.
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They've bought out a condom now for people with premature ejaculation and they've put an anesthetic in the lining that makes you numb and you can last for longer. Or, you can wear it inside out and you don't have to wake anybody up!
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