Mitch Hedberg Quotes About Comedy
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'
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It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
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Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious.
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When you start out in comedy, or probably in a lot of things, you want it to happen fast. You don't want to see yourself having to do this for seven years before you start to get some feedback.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
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I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
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Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?
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I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
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Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.
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Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
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I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they're grouper fish.
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Earlier I`ve done hatever I could get my hands on to do for a living. I tried a couple of different things, but kitchen work was the best for me, because I took to a nomadic lifestyle before I started doing comedy. If you travel and get to a town and need a job, restaurants are always there.
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I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.
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I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
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All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
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Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
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I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
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Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.
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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
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I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
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I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
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My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.
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My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
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If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
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Stand-up is an art but since it's humor and it's funny - a lot of guys that don't think it's art are probably coming from the angle that they don't want to take it so seriously. I've always looked at it as an art but I don't look at it as a pretentious art. I understand it has to be taken lightly because it is just comedy in the end, but the good stand-up comics are someone with something to say.
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I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
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I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.
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