Dane Cook Quotes
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I miss dating only for that final moment you kiss goodnight, watch her get out of your car and run into the police station.
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I want to be able to challenge myself. And do things that are away from what I usually do. Stand-up is safe for me. I can do stand-up in front of twenty-five thousand people, and I'm like, "I know how to do this. This is what I do." I want to be a little scared.
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I'm going to hell, ah... but you're laughing, so you're coming.
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People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.
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When you don't have love, it's like there's a party going on, and everybody was invited, except for you. And you just happened to be walking by that house in the rain...
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I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin!
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Any guy that refers to dating women as the hunt or being on the prowl should be evaluated for a number of conditions.
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I think beating someone to death with a ukulele would just sound funny.
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My real first job was delivering newspapers with I was 15. I would ride my bike around and chuck papers at people's houses. The thing that sucked is when I would go collecting everyone acted like they were not home. Totally sucked but because I could control the weather I showered trashcan size hail down on their homes until they were completely decimated.
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My mom and dad passed away from cancer. Within nine months, I lost both of my folks. Immediately after that, I had a horrible betrayal where my brother, who worked for me, stole a lot of my money. He's in jail now.
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I just get excited doing shows. Off stage I am actually very feeble and must be spoon-fed because my hands are too brittle.
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Pain only hurts when you are looking for a reason to quit. You don't feel a thing when you know you can still win.
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It's an incredible feeling falling in love someone who doesn't know you exist.
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I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.
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Teach your kids to make deplorable choices and hopefully they'll rebel and make the right ones.
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You have to learn the crowd. I just pay attention to them so I can make sure I can make them laugh.
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I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.
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I love hecklers. They remind you that you are a comedian.
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I don't know if I could rebuild an airplane engine, but I know a little bit about rotors and rivets.
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The problem with dating a model is they won't go out with you if your cars color doesn't match their outfit.
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I'm always going to be someone that people enjoy watching.
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I don't like littering and I think it leads to terrorist activities.
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I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.
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When I'm wrong I'm like the Emperor on the Death Star thinking he'll turn Luke. Yet, when I'm right I'm a Jedi like my father before me.
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I have faith in all mankind. Well,not faith really, more like hopeful suspicion. And not "all" but 5 people. Mankind meaning computers.
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Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.
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This is a dream come true. HBO is the highest echelon in the world for a stand-up comedian to attain. Throughout my career I've trusted my instincts to lead me down the right path, and I am honored to work together with this network while contributing to the legacy that is HBO.
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My grandmother died of natural causes. Or as my family calls it murdered by the lord.
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I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.
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Sometimes girls act all TNT Network because they know drama. That's when guys get all TBS around you because we think it's very funny.
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