Daniel Tosh Quotes
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It’s the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central and they’ve been good to me.
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I don't know what fire is made of - hell nobody does. All I know is that fire is awesome. I'm not a pyromaniac, but I am a pyroenthusiast.
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I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.
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I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.
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The most important part of any CrossFit workout is posting about it endlessly on social media. How about you just brag about all the kettlebell burpees you did to the other whackos in your cult?
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I go to the dentist every six months, I get a cleaning, so... I'm fortunate enough that those fluoride treatments as a child worked. Not getting any cavities.
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Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.
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I wasn't a pain in the ass when I was a kid. So I think being a screw-up as an adult is way more acceptable.
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You know why they say that, that models are too skinny? Because parents are horrible, they can't tell their sixteen year old daughter she's not really a princess, well guess what, I can.
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If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background?
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That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.
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If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.
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Describe your perfect man who looks like me.
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I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.
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Finding my dog's g spot is taking way longer than I would care to admit.
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The only advice I have for youth is to date outside your race. I just think it's so cute when I see little kids in interracial relationships; it makes me feel like I'm watching a commercial.
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Never hit a woman unless you are a bigger woman.
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Don't you love it when people in school are like, “I'm a bad test taker”? You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here, but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson's.
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I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!
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You should never eat when you're on the toilet. "But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk!" That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.
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I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'
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I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything.
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Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed.
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How come New York gets all the cool plane crashes?
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Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test.
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I mean my goal is to get Michael Richards to do stand up at the Laugh Factory to an all black audience.
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Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is; if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.
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Every video from Russia is depressing, it's like they have their cameras set to sad.
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I think boxers are the greatest athletes in all sports for the simple fact that they don't cry. That is mind-blowing. Have you ever been punched in the nose? Oh my gosh, it hurts so bad. They have to go back to corner, where some little man yells at them. 'Shut up, I just got punched in the face!'... If I was a boxer, do you know who I would hire as my corner man? My mom.
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I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house.
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