Artie Lange Quotes
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I'm the type of guy where one thing leads to another and eventually it gets awful. If I put a $5 bet on a roulette table tonight at 10 o'clock, by tomorrow at noon I would be running guns to Cuba.
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But I live an interesting life and I can tell a pretty good story and it has helped my career. But the downside is people know everything.
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I ain't apologizing for anything, especially if it's a joke.
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I'm a comic, so I like to stay nocturnal. I work 10 p.m. to 1 a.m.
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At the Mirage Sportsbook, you can get a line on 2 kid playing wiffleball in the backyard in Minnesota
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I quit drinking, and I figure if I go to ten Yankee games this year without drinking I'll save $32,000.
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For a degenerate like me, Vegas is like a walk down memory lane. Last time I went to Vegas, I went to my old coke dealer's kid's bar mitzvah.
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The point of drinking in moderation is that sometimes you don't drink in moderation.
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Whiskey will always be a part of my life.
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I wish I was this dark genius artist - like Richard Pryor or something.
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I had a career before the Stern show, on Mad TV. I was on the first two seasons of that and I got kicked off it because of possession of cocaine.
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I think it reminds me of my childhood, my father, .. I think people have the same reaction. It reminds you of what it was like to be a kid, where everything is carefree and fun.
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When political correctness first started coming around, it ruined Andrew Dice Clay and Eddie Murphy's stand-up career. Sam Kinison died at just the right time, 'cause no one was going to tolerate what he was saying anymore either.
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Googling me, you talk about being depressed. First of all there's 18 websites that predict my early death.
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Artie is going to do what ever Artie wants to do.
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Of course in show business there are two ways to play it and I am not politically correct so I am not going to get endorsements or anything like that
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I have a bad gambling problem. You're not in show business for 12 years and dress like this without a bad gambling problem.
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I am not the easiest guy to live with. It is probably the lack of stability in my life.
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Don't do drugs to be cool, do 'em because you hate yourself.
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And now it looks like I'm probably going to shoot a movie that I wrote. I got the money to do it, and I would star and all, because of being on Howard.
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Frank Sebastiano is a real write. He has two Emmys, one from 'SNL' and the other from 'The Chris Rock Show' . The only award I have is an FM-mmy.
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The regular guy still relates to him and Howard is a $500 million guy now who dates a model and drives about in a limo all day. But Howard still knows how to make a plumber laugh and those guys still have him on in the morning, because he is a real talent.
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I was always a thin kid; I was an athlete.
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'Course the world of sports takes itself way too serious. Sports writers are all high and mighty.
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Vegas means comedy, tragedy, happiness and sadness all at the same time.
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I like gambling on stuff that you don't know anything about. That's when it's exciting.
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I have been in a lot of movies, but none of them are critics' darlings, you might say.
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A-Rod wants to be like Babe Ruth. And people don't realize this, he's a lot like Babe Ruth. Before the playoffs a couple of years ago, A-Rod went to the hospital and promised a dying kid he'd ground out to second for him.
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The only reason I can't recommend heroin to kids is because the effects wear off.
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I used to be a longshoreman. I didn't go to college. I have a voice that when I say something, it can sound way meaner than you think it is.
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