David Letterman Quotes
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Why we are here: To tremble at the terrible beauty of the stars, to shed a tear at the perfection of Beethoven's symphonies, and to crack a cold one now and then.
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Overall Bush's European trip has been an overwhelming success. Not once has he gotten separated from his group.
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The Bush campaign for re-election has officially begun. They're actually running television commercials. Have you seen any of the television commercials? In one of the commercials, you see George Bush for thirty seconds. In another commercial, you get to see George Bush for sixty seconds - kind of like his stint in the National Guard.
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In Hollywood, Oscar is king.
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They're talking about putting a woman on the $20 bill. And Hillary said, 'I'm available.'
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Let's have some wine, go upstairs, and look at my money.
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Keep in mind that your individual vote doesn't mean anything.
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Back when we started this show, the hottest program on television was 'Keeping Up With the Gabors.'
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So they caught Gadhafi in a storm sewer and shot him. Or as they call it in the Middle East, an orderly transfer of power.
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Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, `The way I look at it, she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds.'
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Trump says that if he's elected, he won't let the presidency interfere with the Miss Universe pageant.
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We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector.
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The 4th of July combines the two things Americans love most in one day: alcohol and explosives.
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Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.
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I heard doctors revived a man who had been dead for 4-1/2 minutes. When they asked him what it was like being dead, he said it was like listening to Yankees announcer Phil Rizzuto during a rain delay.
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John Boehner - doesn't he look like every guy you've ever seen at a hotel bar? He looks like the kind of guy who licks his thumb when he counts his money.
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Last month Mitt Romney raised $76 million. He found it in an old sport-coat pocket.
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It's disappointing when you finally get to meet someone you admire and he conducts himself as a jerk.
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I worry about Rick Perry. One, he's too conservative, Two, his debating skills. And three ... Oh crap, what was three?
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Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.
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My political position is that I'm happy to be alive and in North America.
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John Kerry told Tom Ridge he was too busy to receive a Homeland Security briefing. I thought that was odd, since you're not supposed to ignore terrorist threats until after you become president.
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Security here in New York City is still very tight. Hookers in Times Square now are demanding two forms of fake ID.
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Hillary Clinton is campaigning in Iowa, virtually going door to door to every home in Iowa. Jehovah's Witnesses finally got fed up and said, 'Get lost. Get out of here!'
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The FCC has delayed the decision on the Time/Warner Comcast merger. So how do you think those folks like being put on hold?
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They figured out a way to control that hamburger disease. You dip the hamburger into the scalding hot coffee before eating.
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The senator got so tired on the campaign trail that he started kissing hands and shaking babies.
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I think the number one public-relations blunder Osama has made is that he lives in a cave-fortress and if there's one thing we've learned from it's that you can't trust a guy who lives in a cave-fortress -- Lex Luther, Captain Nemo, Dr. Evil. I'm telling you the list goes on.
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Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew is coming. You drink it, you get a combination of type 1 and type 2 diabetes.
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Ladies and gentlemen, after what I've been through, I am happy just to be wearing clothes that open in the front.
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