Joan Rivers Quotes About Aging
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At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass!
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My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.
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I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
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Age - it's the one mountain you can't overcome.
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Half of all marriages end in divorce- and then there are the really unhappy ones.
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Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
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A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don't want to go through menopause again.
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I now consider it a good day when I don't step on my boobs.
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We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.
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I don't mind aging, I just don't want to be a day older.
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My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
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There is nothing funny about aging: It is rotten and depressing. Anyone who tells you otherwise just hasn't been paying attention.
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You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.
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I'm no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say 'My wife makes a delicious cake' to some hooker?
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Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
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You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
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At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
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My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.
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I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
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I hate thin people; 'Oh, does the tampon make me look fat?'
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A child can be taught not to do certain things, such as touch a hot stove, pull lamps off of tables, and wake Mommy before noon.
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