Anthony Jeselnik Quotes About Dad
-
I had a happy childhood in a nice suburban area, pretty idyllic, upper middle class and very, very white. My dad is an attorney. My mother is a housewife. They had five kids in seven years: me, my brother, and three sisters. I'm the oldest. We were all very active. My mother was exhausted.
→ -
My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.
→ -
Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number.
→ -
Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.
→ -
Usually the beginning of a story that people hear a lot. For example, "My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut" or "My dad keeps losing his car keys." And then I just think of different ways the story could end. "My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend." Then I try it out on stage. I don't do a lot of re-writing. My jokes either work or they don't. The trick is just to write a ton of jokes.
→ -
My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn't religious anymore. When she was a kid, like 12 years old, her parents nailed a 25 pound crucifix to the wall right above her bed. About two weeks later, in the middle of the night, the crucifix falls off the wall and leaves a two inch gash in the back of her dad's head.
→ -
She got really mad a month ago, because she had e-mailed me a naked picture of herself - which is a nice thing to do - but then I messed up, and I accidentally forwarded that e-mail to both of my parents. Now, my girlfriend is furious, mortified, but I don't even care, 'cause now I have to call up my mother and say 'Mom, I am so sorry - that picture was just for dad.'
→ -
My dad's been having a hard time lately. Keeps on losing his keys. Can't hang on to a set of keys to save his life. And he has tried everything too: little hook next to the door, little bowl next to his bed, keychain makes a noise when you whistle. Nothing worked. So finally, this year for his birthday, the whole family chipped in - and we put him in a home.
→ -
My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing.
→
Related Authors
-
Patrice O'Neal Stand-up comedian -
Daniel Tosh Comedian -
Sarah Silverman Comedian -
Steven Wright Comedian -
Demetri Martin Comedian -
John Mulaney Actor -
Hannibal Buress Comedian -
Pete Holmes Comedian -
Caligula Roman emperor -
Jeff Ross Stand-up comedian -
Lisa Lampanelli Stand-up comedian -
Amy Schumer Stand-up comedian -
Dave Attell Comedian -
Whitney Cummings Comedian -
Kumail Nanjiani Stand-up comedian -
Bill Burr Comedian -
Greg Giraldo Stand-up comedian -
Jim Jefferies Stand-up comedian -
Roseanne Barr Actress -
Mitch Hedberg Comedian