Phyllis Diller Quotes About Funny
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
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I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, "You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed."
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Once Fang took pep pills and they worked - the only time he ever ran to bed.
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The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids . . . and when you're away from them, who needs it?.
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When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren.
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Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.
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Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.
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We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
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Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn't keep him awake - even when it's hot and being spilled on him.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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When he proposed he said, "We'll make such beautiful music together," but in this duet, his part seems to be all rests.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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Everybody knows how much time Fang spends in bed. A local store that gives a 30 days' trial on mattresses gives Fang only 15 days.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, "A teaspoon before going to bed," and in one day he uses seven bottles.
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