J. B. Smoove Quotes
-
I quit my day job the day my daughter was born. I remember flying to Cleveland and hitting a thunderstorm, which caused the plane to lose pressure, and the oxygen masks fell from the ceiling. We felt the plane dropping; the pilot was taking it down to regain cabin pressure. My heart was in my stomach. I found out after landing that her mom was in labor. I did the show and came back to New York. By the time I walked into the hospital, my daughter was being born. She was waiting for me. She's a sweet daddy's girl. She's premed. She has her own pie company. She works for Habitat for Humanity.
→ -
You don't want to take the world over with a whole hamper full of dirty clothes. That's the main thing people overlook. And take a shower, take a bath every day.
→ -
People love things about Hollywood. People love to see the inside of what's going on.
→ -
You're trying to make someone wet their pants and you're trying to make somebody crap in their pants. That's the motivation of a comic. Who else has that power?
→ -
I'm looking to be the next comedy mogul.
→ -
At the top of this list has to be "get in that ass". It's the ultimate Leonism to get you through life.
→ -
We came here to pick up chicks, not talk about dicks.
→ -
Comedians are therapists. People honestly think we're doing it for ourselves. No. If we wanted to do stand-up for ourselves, we would perform in front of a mirror and never go to a club. We are giving this away. Some people are going through so much in their lives, they want to hear something else that's going on in the world and laugh.
→ -
Curb Your Enthusiasm set me up so perfectly. That was one of my favorite shows before I got on it. That started a whole different level of a story for me. I didn't know how to process it until after I got on the show and realized what the purpose of it was.
→ -
Police blog or entertainment news, it's just good to see your name in print.
→ -
This Italian restaurant I'm at is authentic! When they seat you, they give you a mustache.
→ -
I've had jokes stolen a thousand times. But if you can do it better than me, you can have it. I've had jokes stolen from me in the club when I'm next on stage. And my brain will start to turn, and the gears will start turning, and I'll go onstage and create a whole new bit.
→ -
There're rules to being the side chick. Rule number one: you're number two.
→ -
You know how you put peanut butter on a piece of bread and the bread falls - it never falls on the bread side down, it always falls peanut butter side down. That's because of gravity.
→ -
I think what I do in my acting world and what I do in my standup world is bring up a brand that I want to bring across. Once you figure out your brand and what you do, it's kind of easy at that. You end up getting your audience.
→ -
Sometimes, when you get a girl pregnant, you blame the condom. His condom broke that night.
→ -
What happens in improv is you create your own storyline.
→ -
I love to pitch things that I believe in and products that I love to use.
→ -
When you're babysitting a kid, all you're seeing is a version of them, a small dosage.
→ -
Man, you can come see me six or seven times in a row and you'll never see the same show twice, because I don't like to be robotic onstage. I like to perform for that particular audience.
→ -
Father's Day just be Mother's Day the sequel.
→ -
I can apply myself to the format of 'SNL,' I can apply myself to the format of 'Conan,' but at the same time, I'm still being J. B. Smoove. I'm not changing up my style, I'm not changing up how I think, what's funny to me, my delivery, the way I carry myself.
→ -
You can't take everything that is offered to you. I pass on a lot of stuff, because I truly believe that I will shine better if I could do it 200 percent rather than do it 80 percent and make it so-so.
→ -
I'm afraid one thing - I don't like heights. Heights bug me out. I'm not cool with heights. I refuse to do a comedy show 12 stories up. I'm fearless about everything else.
→ -
I wouldn't want to be someone's roommate, that's for sure. You can't do certain things, you can't leave the bathroom door open...you can't put your feet on the couch, you can't hide stuff in the couch.
→ -
I think comedy evolves constantly. I reinvent myself all the time. I always find a way to entertain myself because I truly believe you have to entertain yourself in order to relate it the right way to your audience.
→ -
My life is gardening, cleaning around the house and power washing. I power wash everything: my wife, the mailman with the f-cking mail, power wash his ass, f-ck my mail up, I don't care.
→ -
I try to dress smooth, I try to keep my face shaved, I try to keep my head cut. I try to do all the things to keep it smooth going!
→ -
I’m trying to be the Jay-Z of comedy one day. I don’t know if there’s any comedy moguls out there, but I would love to be the first comedy mogul.
→ -
As far as standup, everybody has a vehicle they are driving. If what you do works, it's like playing golf. If you can master that one swing over and over again, you will be successful. That's what standup is. You have to have a central move and it has to be yours. You have to own your comedy, own what you do.
→
Related Authors
-
Leslie Jones Comedian -
Sherri Shepherd Comedian -
Jeff Garlin Comedian -
Kimberly Elise Film actress -
Boris Kodjoe Actor -
Cedric the Entertainer Actor -
Nicole Ari Parker Film actress -
Anton Yelchin Film actor -
Gabrielle Union Actress -
Chris Rock Comedian -
Mo'Nique Imes-Jackson Comedian -
Margo Martindale Film actress -
Deon Cole Comic -
Omar Epps Actor -
Russell Simmons Business person -
Wanda Sykes Comedian -
Larry David Actor -
Lorne Michaels Television producer -
Romany Malco Actor -
Kevin Hart Actor