Emo Philips Quotes About Comedy
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"
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I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, how are you going to get into the corners?"
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.
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In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one rejected. At that moment I made up my mind never to place myself at the mercy of some pompous, goateed, black-turtleneck-shirted "should I yay him or nay him?" pantywaist ever again.
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People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.
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Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.
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Race is still somewhat of a taboo in comedy. But if you're a minority, then you can make fun of your own minority. And that's a nice service that many of them provide.
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I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
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My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
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I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
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I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
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I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
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I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
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I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.
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My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.
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I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
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The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
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I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
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