Chris Rock Quotes About Funny
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If you wanna get away with murder, all you gotta do is shoot somebody in the head and put a demo tape in their pocket! 'This is a rap killing! Let's get outta here!'
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Don't argue! You cannot win, you cannot beat a woman in a arguement. It's impossble you will not win. Cause men, we are handicapped when it comes to arguing cause we have a need to make sense
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Karaoke isn't fair when you're a comedian. The whole idea is to get people laughing and enjoying themselves, and I'm a professional funny guy.
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Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know?
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You'd got a baseball game, or a football game, basketball game, "USA! USA! USA!" Hey, calm down! Got a little German on it, don't you think?
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I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
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The government hates rap. That's why they don't arrest anybody that kills rappers! Only the good ones are dead, man! Only the good ones: Biggie dead, Tupac dead, Vanilla Ice still alive! They don't fill out a police report. They don't even have a chalk line when it's a dead rapper, they just take a piss around the body.
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Do you know what the good side of crack is? If you're up at the right hour, you can get a VCR for $1.50. You can furnish your whole house for $10.95.
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Funny is only something that others know about you - you can't be funny by yourself.
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Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special.
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Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them.
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Not a Harvard-type education, just a not-sticking-up-a-liquor-store-type education.
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Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population and 90% of the final four.
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Remember when we was young, everybody used to have these arguments about who's better, Michael Jackson or Prince? Prince won!
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I used to work at McDonald's making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boos was trying to say? "Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it's against the law."
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Community college is like a disco with books: "Here's ten dollars; let me get my learn on!"
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If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
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Hollywood's just not funny.
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Shaq is rich. The white man who signs his check... is wealthy. "Ah, here you go, Shaq. Go buy yourself a bouncing car. Bling, bling!"
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They're working their way down. Next year, Todd Bridges gets the award. When I was a kid I wanted to be Eddie Murphy and now I'm a rip-off of Eddie Murphy.
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I ain't shootin' nobody. So call me a faggot! When the war's over, I'll be the faggot with two legs, thank you!
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I'm in show business... I want to hang out with Janet Jackson, not Jesse Jackson.
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You know what GED stands for? Good Enough Diploma.
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You won’t be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz.
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If a kid calls his grandma "Mommy" and his mama "Pam", he's going to jail!
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And even if you get shot by a stray bullet, you don't gotta go to no doctor to get it taken out, whoever shot you will take they bullet back! "I believe you have my property!"
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If you're black, you got to look at America a little bit different. You got to look at America like the uncle who paid for you to go to college, but who molested you.
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There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
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Comedy is the blues for people who can’t sing.
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That's all we had when I was a kid: Robitussin. No matter what you got, Robitussin better handle it. "Daddy, I got asthma." "Robitussin." "I got cancer." "Robitussin." "I broke my leg." Daddy poured Robitussin on it. "Yeah, boy, let that 'tussin get in there. Yeah, boy, let that 'tussin get on down to the bone. The 'tussin ought to straighten out the bone."
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