Andy Borowitz Quotes About Funny
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Twitter is currently valued at $8 billion, or $1 for every hour it has wasted.
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Congress is furious at the Secret Service for consorting with hookers, which has traditionally been Congress's role.
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Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.
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As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution.
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I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one.
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Facebook's new relationship status option: "No longer able to interact with actual people"
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All Americans mourn the passing of the author of the Declaration of Independence, George Jefferson.
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The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked.
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Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Give a man Twitter, and he will forget to eat and starve to death.
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It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
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Cars will soon have the Internet on the dashboard. I worry that this will distract me from my texting.
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Every week Republicans are excited about a new candidate because the one they liked last week turned out to be a moron.
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Getting your news from Twitter is like asking a cat for directions.
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Sarah Palin has decided not to run for President and go straight to the quitting part.
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Xmas Trivia: Before it became a major shopping holiday, Christmas is believed to have had a "religious" meaning.
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The only way to explain how some people dress for the airport is they think no one else will be there.
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Thanks to the Internet, people we might have only suspected of being idiots can now give us ample evidence.
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On July 4 we celebrate government of the people, by the people, and for the people, or as they are now called, corporations.
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Next time someone says, 'Where has big government ever gotten us?' the correct answer is 'Mars.'
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