Marshall B. Rosenberg Quotes
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I recommend allowing others the opportunity to fully express themselves before turning our attention to solutions or requests for relief. When we proceed too quickly to what people might be requesting, we may not convey our genuine interest in their feelings and needs; instead, they may get the impression that we're in a hurry to either be free of them or to fix their problem. Furthermore, an initial message is often like the tip of an iceberg; it may be followed by yet unexpressed, but related - and often more powerful - feelings.
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Every message, regardless of form or content, is an expression of a need.
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Imagine connecting with the human spirit in each person in any situation at any time. Imagine interacting with others in a way that allows everyone's need to be equally valued. Imagine creating organizations and life-serving systems responsive to our needs and the needs of our environment.
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Our ability to offer empathy can allow us to stay vulnerable, defuse potential violence, help us hear the word 'no' without taking it as a rejection, revive lifeless conversation, and even hear the feelings and needs expressed through silence.
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If you have an image of someone cutting off a relationship, it's the cutting off that will lead to your suffering. If you see the action as their need being expressed, then the message is within them, not you. Any interpretation you put onto another person's message (such as passive-aggressive, withholding, etc.), you will pay for because of how you took it.
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Violence in any form is a tragic expression of our unmet needs.
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When we express our needs indirectly through the use of evaluations, interpretations, and images, others are likely to hear criticism. When people hear anything that sounds like criticism, they tend to invest their energy in self-defense or counterattack. It's important that when we address somebody that we're clear what we want back.
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People don't make us angry, how we think makes us angry.
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People heal from their pain when they have an authentic connection with another human being.
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In our culture, most of us have been trained to ignore our own wants and to discount our needs.
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Enemy images are the main reason conflicts don't get resolved.
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Interpretations, criticisms, diagnoses, and judgments of others are actually alienated expressions of our unmet needs.
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Avoid 'shoulding' on others and yourself!
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What others do may be the stimulus of our feelings, but never the cause.
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Judgments of others contribute to self-fulfilling prophecies.
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When people hear needs, it provokes compassion. When people hear diagnoses, it provokes defensiveness and attack.
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If people just asked: "Here are the needs of both sides, here are the resources. What can be done to meet these needs?" the conflict would be easy to resolve.
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Make your goal to attend to your underlying needs and to aim for a resolution so satisfying that everyone involved has their needs met also.
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Punishment also includes judgmental labeling and the withholding of privileges.
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Use the words "I feel because I" to remind us that what we feel it isn't because of what the other person did, but because of a choice I've made.
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Unless we as social change agents come from a certain spirituality, we're likely to create more harm than good.
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We are dangerous when we are not conscious of our responsibility for how we behave, think, and feel.
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When we listen for their feelings and needs, we no longer see people as monsters.
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As we learn to speak from the heart we are changing the habits of a lifetime.
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Fear of punishment diminishes self-esteem and goodwill.
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Use anger as a wake-up call to unmet needs.
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We can't win at somebody else's expense. We can only fully be satisfied when the other person's needs are fulfilled as well as our own.
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We recognize that real educational reform is essential if today's and tomorrow's children are to live in a more peaceful, just, and sustainable world.
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Often, instead of offering empathy, we have a strong urge to give advice or reassurance and to explain our own position or feeling.
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If we become skilled in giving ourselves empathy, we often experience in just a few seconds a natural release of energy which then enables us to be present with the other person. If this fails to happen, however, we have a couple of other choices.
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Marshall B. Rosenberg
- Born: October 6, 1934
- Died: February 7, 2015
- Occupation: Psychologist