Lewis Grizzard Quotes
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Today's sensitive male has learned to share in open frank discussions about relationships like, "Where the hell did you get a crazy idea like that? You been reading Redbook again?"
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They tore out my heart and stomped that sucker flat.
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Spring time is the land awakening.
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If soccer was an American soft drink, it would be Diet Pepsi
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It's difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a homegrown tomato.
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I get letters from people who say, 'What have you got against women?' What could I possibly have against women? I've married three of them.
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There's no such thing as being too Southern.
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I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married.
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Elvis is dead and I don't feel so good for myself.
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Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease.
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I finally figured it out, I finally figured out how to find some peace and happiness. I sure would hate for the man upstairs to take me now. But at least I did figure it out.
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If you are not the lead dog, your scenery never changes.
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Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
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Yankees don't understand that the Southern way of talking is a language of nuance. What we can do in the South is we can take a word and change it just a little bit and make it mean something altogether different.
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When My Love Returns from the Ladies Room, Will I Be Too Old to Care?
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There is something wrong when you wait in line thirty minutes to get a hamburger that was cooked for ninety seconds an hour ago.
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Life is like a dogsled race. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
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The idiot who invented instant grits also thought of frozen fried chicken, and they ought to lock him up before he tries to freeze-dry collards.
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I'd much rather sit next to a smoker in a restaurant than a nose-blower.
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On a New York subway you get fined for spitting, but you can throw up for nothing.
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I grew up in a very large family in a very small house. I never slept alone until after I was married.
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You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, 'What's in it for me?'
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There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
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Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it.
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God bless Merle Haggard. He did all the things that Johnny Cash was supposed to have done.
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Let's all start walking more and driving less.
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Kinky sex involves the use of duck feathers. Perverted sex involves the whole duck.
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If Love Were Oil, / I'd Be About a Quart Low.
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In the south there's a difference between 'Naked' and 'Nekkid.' 'Naked' means you don't have any clothes on. 'Nekkid' means you don't have any clothes on and you're up to somethin'.
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"Have you done your homework?" my mother would ask. "I'll do it later." "You will do it now, young man. I don't want you winding up on the third shift at Flagg-Utica." Flagg-Utica was a local textile plant. Somehow, I never could figure how failing to read three chapters in my geography book about the various sorts of vegetation to be found in a tropical rain forest had anything to do with facing a life as a mill hand. But with enough guilt and fear as catalysts, you can read anything, even geography books and Deuteronomy.
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