Groucho Marx Quotes About Funny
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I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
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Room service? Send up a larger room.
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Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
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I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.
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Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.
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No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
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I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book . . . The recipes were to be the routine ones: how to make dry toast, instant coffee, hearts of lettuce and brownies. But as an added attraction, at no extra charge, my idea was to put a fried egg on the cover. I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right.
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Come on in girls, and leave all hope behind.
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Do they allow tipping on the boat? - Yes, sir. Have you got two fives? - Oh, yes, sir. Then you won't need the ten cents I was going to give you.
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Hail, hail Freedonia, land of the free!
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If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
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If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.
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Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
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The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.
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[Mrs. Teasdale]: He's had a change of heart. [Groucho]: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.
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Since my daughter is only half-Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees?
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Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
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I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you.
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I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but I found it too unwieldy
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Remember men, you are fighting for the ladies honor, which is probably more than she ever did.
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There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
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Do you mind if I don't smoke?
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I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
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Time wounds all heels.
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Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
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I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.
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It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
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Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
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I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
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